Revenge is best served with condoms
by whenthemarshmallowmettheslayer
Summary: "I know who you are. You're the tasty little thing my older brother has come to truly fancy." Tasty little thing. Caroline froze; those words replaying in her head except in British accent (the only accent she truly had thing for).
1. Chapter 1

Caroline stares down at her birthday gift. Not with disbelief but with a look of morbid curiosity and a hint of daggers in her glare.

Normally one wouldn't look down at a box of a hundred condoms with curiosity but when said box was given on her birthday (unwrapped btw, the look the mail man, who had brought it to her dorm room which wasn't the norm when it came to packages in college mind you, face had made Caroline wish the earth would shallow her whole) with only a phone number as a note it would be understandable to be curious.

She was trying to figure out who would send this to her whilst she stared down at it.

Sure Damon was a douchbaggy enough to do this but he would at least let it be known he sent it to her and at the most would give it to her himself probably say something about needing to get laid or else there would be a Barbie Stefan in the world.

Klaus was too charming to be this direct, this crude. This just wasn't his style.

Tyler and her were broken up for good and as Tyler Swift (the only woman in this world Caroline would ever become gay for) would say "we are never getting back together."

Caroline let a sigh and resisted the urge to run her hands through her hair because she was not running her curly ponytail that had taken an hour this morning (one couldn't rush perfection).

She hated giving in. It was the same as giving up. Caroline Forbes was the competitive mean girl at her school before supernatural crisis became the norm for Mystic Falls.

Sure she wasn't that much of a mean girl these days (unless provoked or if someone was just asking for it) but she was still competitive. Therefore not happy about admitting to defeat but what else could she do? 'Cause she hated not knowing more.

She waited a minute for a lightbulb to go on but no such thing happened. Sighing again Caroline picked up her phone and pressed in the numbers written on the note.

"Kaleb Westphall's phone," greeted a cute sounding voice Caroline had never heard before. Maybe it was just some stupid prank...

Caroline let out a deep breathe. Gearing up to embrass herself a second time when honestly there should be some universal law about being embarrassed on said person's birthday. Let alone twice.

"Okay this is going to sound weird but I swear I'm not pranking you. I just want to know if you're pranking me - I'm Caroline by the way and it's my birthday. I was sent-" thankfully her rambling was interrupted.

"I know who you are. You're the tasty little thing my older brother has come to truly fancy."

Tasty little thing.

Caroline froze; those words replaying in her head except in British accent (the only accent she truly had thing for).

Oh God.

"Kol," Caroline said her voice easily telling her emotions. Shock and afraid. Not for herself. That had been one plan she hadn't been part of and she wouldn't have been apart of despite her taunting towards Klaus. Yes Kol was terrible person but his sideline hadn't deserved that. And weren't they all terrible people?

She had murdered twelve witches to save Bonnie and she would do it again and again if put in that position. She hadn't regerted it after the shock of what she had done. She's a selfish monster like that.

"Hello Caroline. Do you like the gift I got you?"

Caroline blinked. This- getting a birthday present albeit a box of condoms- wasn't what she had excepted if she had guessed Kol came back to life but hadn't Elena said something about Kol being more bipolar than Klaus himself?

"I don't get it," she confessed warily. Not sure if wanted to get it.

"Well teenage pregnancy is growing in America and did you know getting knocked up is one of the main reasons why modern youth drop out of college?"

Cryptic, annoying, and body jumping. Kol, Kaleb - whatever the hell he was calling himself these days was without a doubt was Klaus' brother. Caroline's newly (but not old, Klaus could attest to that) risen annoyance could attest to that.

"Cut the crap Kol. I'm a vampire. We can't get people pregnant or become pregnant."

Kol laughed and for some reason it set Caroline on edge.

"Oh but my brother can. If there can be a nature's loophole for that annoying werewolf that Elijah eyeing despite being Klaus' sloppy seconds - guess history does repeat itself. I never learnt for sure since I was often locked in a coffin during good portions of it...I've gotten off track you'll have to excuse me darling. Anyway if Klaus can knock up a werewolf who knows what he could do if he truly loves a vampire? Isn't that what shows on the television teaches these days. That true love can break any curse?"

Caroline was frozen once again. Her mouth dry as the desert itself.

Annoying werewolf that Klaus knocked up.

Those words repeated in her head. The sense of foreboding increased in her.

No longer giving a damn about keeping her hair perfect Caroline ran her free hand through it.

"Wh-what was the name of the werewolf your brother knocked up?"

"Oh you didn't know?" Kol crooned in a falsely sympathetic voice. "Her name is Hayley. Happy birthday Carol-" Caroline didn't hear the last of it because she had crushed the phone.

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 **A/N: I own nothing.**

 **This started off by me thinking about a story idea about when Klaus takes a fancy to someone all his siblings are suppose to give said someone a gift for Caroline's birthday and it down-spiraled from there.**


	2. Chapter 2

Now, in the Original family there was an unspoken rule. Leave Nicklaus alone when painting unless you want a dagger in your chest. But the package in Elijah's arms, while rather crude and a spoonful of suicidal, was rather how shall he put it?

A bit of a mystery; yes that was it exactly. That was why Elijah dared to interrupt his younger brother's brooding time.

Despite their rather good hearing, Elijah still knocked on the door to his brother's study. Manners were rather important despite what Elijah's younger siblings thought on the matter.

The sound of paintbrush on the canvas stopped immediately but it took two minutes and four seconds (Elijah had not been counting but rather had glanced at his watch) for his brother to roughly open the door without miraculously ripping it off its hinges.

"What, Elijah? Unless you have figured out away to turn this family's problems into pixie dust do not disturb me," Nicklaus all but snarled at Elijah only to have the older brother raised a eyebrow in return.

Not that he would voice (least not obviously) but Elijah was rather going to enjoy this after all the trouble and mayhem his beloved brother relished in making. If a Original could have a headache Elijah would have mostly had a migraine more than once a day. (Never would he ever thought he'd miss the days where his family lived in Mystic Falls.)

Elijah, without a moment of hesitation, bestowed (or more accurately shoved) his brother the box of a hundred condoms that had an envelope thoroughly (even by Elijah's standards) taped onto it.

The moment Nicklaus realized what the box contained his face could only be described in the modern youth's phrase of 'what the actually fuck.' It was admittedly crude phrase but was the best description for Nicklaus's face.

Finally, Elijah spoke. "This is for you. It arrived in the mail. Nicklaus you should open it since our poor mail man ending up relieving himself in his trousers in fear of having to deliver it to you himself," Elijah somehow managed to keep a smile off his face (that would have been polite but none the less smug to those who knew him) as he told Nicklaus this.

Nicklaus glanced down at the package before back at Elijah. Sensing that Elijah would not be leaving him in peace to paint until he opened package and the letter Klaus let out a rather annoyed sigh.

"Come in brother," Nicklaus welcomed in his brother while not sounding all that welcoming.

It took a moment for Elijah's younger brother to abstract the envelope from the tape that held it down without ripping it. The envelope contained a rather pink piece of paper that was surely a letter.

Nicklaus opened the letter and began reading it. Immediately he paled.

Elijah openly stared not to be rude but in confusion. "Brother what has y-"

"Kol!" Klaus screamed in fury and immediately Elijah winced. Surely all of New Orleans and the it's occupants (both supernatural and human) had just heard the scream that promised a rather bloody murder to come.

Instead of immediately running after his brother to keep Kol from being murdered (once again) Elijah, with the delicately one handled a baby with, picked the pink piece of paper. The letter read:

 _First off, seriously?! Hayley. The wereslut? Out of all the women you could knock up you knocked up the wereslut that purposely set up your hybrids to be murdered by you? I want to go on but I'll wait till I get a THIRD phone so I can I give you an hour lecture on that._

 _Look I'm not mad that you knocked up someone. I'm somewhat pissed because:_

 _1.) Hayley (enough said)._

 _2.) The whole nature loophole that Kol immediately informed me of (after I bought my second phone) is utter bullshit. As in Damon being a good boyfriend is bullshit. As in you being the calmest in your family instead of your brother that clothing philosophy is nothing suits him better than a suit (I don't remember his name so that's referring to him as) is bullshit._

 _You have been dead for a THOUSAND years and if that's not good advice from your friend (Yes, we're still friends despite the whole promise of being my last love because I'm somewhat pissed and two I just broke up and I'm not jumping into a relationship. I have still have college to finish and a human mother that I love.) then here's another fact._

 _Hybrids CANNOT have children. You are_

 _infertile. Google (ask Rebekah if you don't know how) ligers and mules when you have a minute. Though sooner rather than latter._

 _P.S_

 _Tell Kol he owes me a phone. I broke my other two because of him._

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 _ **A/N: Hope** **you** **enjoyed** **it.**_


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